March 15, 2013

I Judge
(+ Monte Cristo Pockets)

Confession time, guys: I'm not the nicest person in the world.  I'm not even sixth or seventh.
Back in my hippie youth, I thought all people had value.  I thought that all opinions were worthwhile and valid, and that people should be respected for their differences.

But then I met people who stiff waitresses, and people who abandoned their children to become (terrible) poets, and people who watch Hillbilly Handfishing.  And now I'm old and cranky, and I'm pretty sure that most people are really just wrong.  And the remaining people are me.

But sometimes this causes guilt.  Example: I recently asked Mr. Bear this utterly random question: "If you had the power to control the brains of 3 people and could make them do whatever you wanted, which 3 people would you choose?  His response?

1.   The President of the United States
2.   The Speaker of the House (because if you can't control both, probably can't nothin' get done)
3.   Technically I can't remember what #3 was, but I'm pretty sure it was the president of the U.N. or the President of Egypt or Sting or someone equally likely to be able to influence world events.  Or possibly Ironman.  Fictionality doesn't stop Mr. Bear when he's out to save the world.

Here's the problem.  As with most philosophical questions, I already had my answer ready when I asked him the question.  And here are the three answers I'd prepared before he explained how he was going to fix the universe for humanity (identifying information changed to protect the moronic):

1.   Cousin Jimbo.  It's always something with that guy.  Either he's having his license suspended or he's asking to borrow money or he needs to be picked up because he's been kicked out of the bowling alley.  AGAIN.  Someone's gotta pull his crap together, and clearly he's not up for the job.  I am literally vibrating with excitement at the thought of getting my hands on that guy's life.
2.   Third Cousin Masie: pretty much the same, but with dreadlocks and patchouli.
3.   Kardashians.  Housewives.  Honey Boo-Boo.  Take your pick.  I just can't take it any more.

So.  To recap: 
Mr. Bear's first instinct?  To fix the problems of the country and the world. 
My first instinct?  To pick apart other people's life choices and put them back together the way I would have done them.  And maybe smack them upside the head for good measure.

Mr Bear: Superhero.
Me:  Judgybitch.

Might be feeling a little bit shallow right now.

Luckily for me, superheroes aren't allowed to get hung up on other people's flaws and leave them for someone taller, blonder, and less overwhelmingly horrible.  You're stuck with me, Mr. Bear.  Ha.

So what's a judgy girl to do when she comes face-to-face with her own moral failings?

I don't know about you, but I'm a fan of denial and melty cheese.  And as we all know...

My way's the best way.

Monte Cristo Pockets
from Pillsbury

While I'm feeling guilty about stuff, I should probably feel guilty about giving you a recipe that's basically sandwich fixings wrapped in tubed biscuit dough.  But I don't.  Because it's delicious, and because not every dinner can start with making puff pastry from scratch, people.  This is an easier version of the classic Monte Cristo Sandwich, which is usually dipped in eggs like french toast is, griddled, and served with a side of jam for dipping - which may sound weird, but is actually transcendent.  And since we're already making changes to classics, I should point out that the recipe was originally called Monte Cristo Folds.  But I changed it to Pockets.  Because that's clearly better.   For my reasoning, see above.

Cooked Ham  [ 4 ounces, chopped ]
Cooked Turkey  [ 4 ounces, chopped ]
Swiss Cheese  [ 4 ounces, sliced and then chopped ]
Refrigerated Buttermilk Biscuit Dough  [ 1  16.3-ounce can ]
Egg  [ 1 ]
Milk  [ 1 tablespoon ]
Cinnamon  [ 1/4 teaspoon ]
Nutmeg  [ 1/4 teaspoon ]

Powdered Sugar  [ to taste ]
Raspberry Jam  [ to taste ]

1.   Heat oven to 375 degrees.
2.   Mix together Ham, Turkey, and Swiss Cheese to make Filling.
3.   Open Biscuit Dough and separate into 8 Biscuits.
4.   Stretch each Biscuit into a round that is 6-7 inches in diameter.
5.   On on side of each Biscuit, place 1/3 cup of Filling.
6.   Fold free side of Biscuit over Filling and press Biscuit edges to seal the pocket.
7.   Place Pockets on an ungreased baking sheet.  You may want to lay down parchment paper - the egg wash
         can get a little cement-like where it pools.
8.   In a small bowl, whisk together Egg, Milk, Cinnamon, and Nutmeg.
9.   Brush Egg Wash over exposed surfaces of Pockets.
10.   Bake Pockets until golden brown; this will take about 15 minutes.
11.   Sprinkle Pockets with Powdered Sugar to taste.
12.   Serve with Raspberry Jam for dipping.

Makes 8 Pockets

1 comment:

  1. This post made me LOL and from one Judgybitch to another- this simple recipe looks delicious. Judge on, with cheese!!