It’s July now, which means that we
are mired in the blackest depths of wedding season. (That’s my take, anyway; if you like doing
the YMCA in uncomfortable shoes and running interference between your second
cousin and “handsy Uncle Leon,” more power to you.) Since it’s recently been brought to my
attention that I’m coming up on my first wedding anniversary, this seems a
perfect time to give you soon-to-be brides a few bits of hard-earned
wisdom. There are plenty of books on
marriage out there, and plenty of relatives who’d like to give you advice. The following three matters, however, were
never mentioned in any of my sources, and took me completely by surprise. Lest you be similarly gobsmacked, consider
this list my wedding gift to you.
1. Nobody Cares About Your Charming Personality
(Except Your Husband, and Even His Motives are Suspect)
From the
very first second that you are legally married, everyone around you is going to
take a sudden and disconcerting interest in your uterus. If
they are especially polite, elderly relatives greeting you at the reception
will wait until after they tell you how lovely you look before launching into
questions about your sperm-related plans.
But most won’t.
In the weeks
and months following the wedding, the behavior of previously rational human
beings will become increasingly worrisome.
Potential grandparents with degrees in the field of medicine will try to
convince you that pregnancy will help your cramps, your skin, and possibly that
ingrown toenail. Every adult you have
ever met, and some whom you have only heard of in passing, will be rooting for
you to become impregnated. This will be
mildly confusing, since up to this point your entire life will have consisted
of various people warning you not to become impregnated, lest your life be
ruined. Etiquette dictates that you
ignore this glaring inconsistency.
The glazed
and slightly manic looks on the faces around you and the constant mantra
“Baaaaaby. Baaaaaby.” are going to be
unnerving. You will grow concerned that
this is the start of the zombie apocalypse, or possibly some sort of alien virus. Your first instinct will be to discuss this
with your husband, as he is, after all, your partner and helpmeet for all eternity. Fight this impulse - not because you’re wrong,
but because your new spouse probably isn’t going to take kindly to you
referring to your in-laws as “the spore people.”
Unless you
actually want to become impregnated, I would suggest bribing an as-yet unattached
sibling to become engaged in order to take the attention off of you. As a long-term measure, you might want to
consider adopting a wolverine or some other mostly-feral animal. One of you may lose a limb or two, but you
will develop a reputation for eccentricity that others will feel is incompatible
with parenthood; with luck, they may even stop suggesting it altogether.
